Cargo Shorts

First worn by the British military in the 1930s and later by U.S. paratroopers in World War II, cargo pants are the single greatest invention of the 20th century that rivals any other article of clothing ever known to man.


Hug? Read on and allow me to present my case. Let's first begin with an admission: cargo pants are predominantly a guy thing just as capris are for women.


First, the obvious reasons for its greatness. Soldiers used the pockets to store food and ammunition. Easily accessible, the pockets on each leg today can hold a variety of things. Wallets, I-Pods, IPhones, wallets, money--those are the usual and expected.



Cargo pants also save one money Food from home or a fast food restaurant can be smuggled in to concerts, movies, sports games, amusement parks, etc. Heck, one can pretty much take dinner for 4 in with them, if you don't mind the searing heat on your leg of a Big Mac and fries. I once took a whole bag of microwave popcorn into a theater--half in one leg pocket and half in another. I'm sure the ticket taker thought I had some type of medical condition or problem with water retention but didn't say so. I was prepared to explain my bulging upper legs by telling them I had been working my quads at the gym just like Arnold Swarzenegger in "Pumping Iron."


Cargo shorts take the place of a man having a purse. We all know that some wallets are so thick with credit cards, business cards, gift cards, etc that they given you that uncomfortable butt cramp. Guys with cargo shorts can slim down the wallet or forgo it altogether, depositing their stuff in their side pockets. When people ask you to hold something for them just drop it into a pocket. Men don't need a purse, just a handy pocket to put their crap in. The difference? You can get your crap out of your cargo shorts quicker than a woman having to dig through their purse.


What about the winter when your you are either congested or snot is runnning down your face? Cargo pants to the rescue. Pockets can hold medicines and Kleenex tissue. No need to stop into a store--just load up one or more of your pockets with a 100-count box of Kleenex like a pack mule climbing the slopes of Mt. Kilaminjaro.


Check out NASA TV on your local cable or sattelite provider, of which I am a big fan. Once a day they show coverage of life onboard the International Space Station. See those clothes the astronauts and cosmonauts are wearing? Yep, it's cargo pants and shorts. Even in space you gotta have a place to put your stuff less it float off. They have even upgraded the cargo short by adding trusty veloc strips to the pant. All an astronaut has to do is press a tool to it and walla, it sticks.


I wonder what could have been if these icons had had the miracle of the cargo short afforded to them?


Just imagine if James Bond 007 had had his pair of cargo pants issued to him by Q. What weapons, gadgets, or gizmos could he have hidden? Miniature scuba tank for Thunderball, a spare gun to kill Blofeld in Diamonds are Forever, or a bar of gold from Fort Knox in Goldfinger.


Why didn't Hasbro make cargo pants for G.I. Joe? Jeez, didn't he have enough gear? I can attest to that as I still have my collection filling a room and a closet or two.


Couldn't Dr. McCoy on the original Star Trek have used a pair of cargo shorts or pants? Wasn't he always holding or reaching for a hypo spray holding a cure for some disease? And Captain Kirk could have used a pocket or two for the numbers of all those women he had on the show.

As far as today goes who could benefit from the cargo shorts? How about the leaders of of BP? Hey, how about strolling down the beach yourself and dropping in some of those tar balls and patties into your cargo shorts?

I'll close with a parting epiphany: I'm going to market this conditioning tip as an informercial. Mow the lawn wearing cargo pants with rolls of quarters stuffed in your pockets. The added weight will work your calves, quads, and hamstrings. Where is Billy Mays?

NFL: You're in good hands with Roger

Just listened to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell speak to Norm Hitzges of Sportsradio 1310 The Ticket. Everytime I hear him talk I become more sure that the NFL is okay and will be okay. They are in good hands. He is the best commissioner of any pro sports league in the U.S. and possibly the universe.

First, from a personality point of few he talks straight. No double speak like David Stern of the NBA or Bud Selig of MLB. Both talk like politicians. The truth lies somewhere deep in their prose. Now make so mistake Goodell is honest but doesn't always proactively volunteer info. An example is when he constantly responds to questions about a possible work stoppage of the NFL in 2 years. He toes the company line stating things will be worked out. But he seems legitimately sincere in NOT wanting a work stoppage the like that has hit MLB and the NBA.

Roger Goodell wants to improve the game of football. Example: moving to an 18 game season. He admits that the preseason games are a joke. Fans are getting nothing for their money. Teams are not playing their best players for fear of injury to their highly paid stars. Example: changing the schedules for the 2010-2011 season so that there are important division games at the end of the season. No more resting starters before the playoffs.

Roger Goodell, also unlike his peers overseeing the other leagues, doesn't mess around with the misbehavior of his players. He correctly sees that players who overstep the bounds off the field with illegal or immoral behavior risk tarnishing the league. From suspensions of Donte Stallworth (manslaughter) and Ben Rothleisberger (sexual assault) he is not afraid to wield the hammer. He has done a good job of getting owner buy in, despite the millions of dollars spent in bonuses that may be lost by suspensions.

Roger Goodell promotes the league and has marketed it well. His latest move is to move the NFL draft to primetime TV like the NBA. Spread out over 3 nights ratings have been off the charts, even outdoing the NBA playoffs. Having the NFL Network on to constantly push the league is also a great move. There is no more "offseason." Fans can tune in for draft talk and replayed games, analysis, and training camp coverage.

The best thing the NFL owners could do is to sign Roger Goodell to a long term contract. Keep giving him authority to make decisions, even though they may not agree with all of them. The players and their union should realize that Goodell has the best interests of the league at heart and understand that threatening a strike over money in a few seasons would be financial suicide.

Now, if only Roger Goodell could be cloned so that the NBA and MLB could be fixed...

Goodbye Texas Stadium

"It should be awhile before I see Dr. Death so it woujld sure be nice if I could get my rest." (Johhny Cash, Like the 309)

Wonder if this would be what Texas Stadium is saying as it approaches imminent implosion at 7:02 a.m. CST.

An old friend is about to die. Yes, there is a shiny new behemouth just 20 minutes down the road called the New Cowboys Stadium. But this is the original place with a hole in its roof so God could watch its team.

Yes, Tom Landry's statue has been moved but something tells me his spirit is still here, patiently standing on the sidelines, arms crossed, holding his playsheet. He grimaces and slowly shakes his head.

I will miss the stadium because it does represent the golden years of the Cowboys. Their first Super Bowl teams. Landry, Staubach, Dorsett, all played here. Monday Night Football and America's team. I'll miss it for the end zone. When you first enter it is the blue end zone with the Cowboys printed across it that you notice. A sense of pride wells up in you. Yes, most of the league may hate you for being America's team and cheer your downfall since 1996 but this is where Cowboy fans can unite and celebrate the glory of Tom and Jimmy (and you too, Jerry).

I'll miss the long walk from the parking lot. Getting out of your car you behold the huge gleaming collosus. You know as you walk closer and closer that you are seeing something special. Cowboys merchandise tables everywhere, the world famous Cowboys cheerleaders. Cheesy scoreboards and video monitors that you strain your eye to see.

The Ring of Honor has been moved to the new stadium but just seeing the names that curved around one could not help get emotional. Especially the name of Tom Landry and the iconic logo of his hat.

So will a tombstone be placed on its site? Will it behold stats such as "Born January 25, 1969 and died April 11, 2010"? How about "capacity 66,539 or 381 luxury suites (most of any NFL stadium)"?

No, no tombstone. Just a simple plaque should be placed with the words of Tom Landry, "
Football is an incredible game. It's so incredible that it's unbelievable."

Why Jerry Jones is the smartest owner

Jerry Jones is the smartest owner in professional sports.

Forbes Magazine ranked the Dallas Cowboys in 2009 worth $1.65 billion, only second to Manchester United of the English Premier League, a soccer team. Not a bad improvement from the $150 million he bought it fore in 1989. Three Super Bowls later he has shown just how smart he is.

He is smart because he is making himself, the NFL, and other owners money. He has helped boost the NFL to the most watched and most profitable sports league in perhaps the world. He has built the most talked about venue in the U.S.

Call it the Death Star, Jerry World, or whatever you may it is a sight to behold. It makes the Astrodome, the 8th Wonder of the World, look like a shed. The recently completed new Cowboys stadium in Arlington, TX has a price tag of $1.2 billion, of which Arlington fronted $325 million and Jerry the rest. The stadium will host Super Bowl 45 this coming season. It has played host already to college football and basketball games, the Big XII football championship, a boxing match, a rodeo, motocross, concerts, the NBA All Star game, and more.

This venue is putting money in Jerry's pocket and helping him pay off his debt. Odds are he will pay it off in 5 years or less. It's more than a stadium, it is THE place to hold an event. Future events include NCAA Basketball Final Fours, UFC fights, and who knows what--perhaps even a Republican or Democratic convention?

Furthermore, look for other owners in the NFL to build their own multipurpose stadiums. Now they do not have the cash to outdo Jerry but they see the future--stadiums that can host many events. Owners who can earn extra revenue from stadiums to help pay for their players' signing bonuses.

Jerry Jones is not selfish and has in fact has helped others make money. Since joining the league Jerry has helped the NFL evolve from just a sport people watch on Sundays to a business. He has brought innovation via marketing deals and sponsorships. He doesn't need a sponsor name for the stadium. Look inisde--he has sponsors lined up from Ford (cars/trucks), to Wingstoop (official wing), Miller Brewing (beer), and the list goes on. The Cowboys are one of the biggest brand names in the sports world. From jerseys, merchandise, to the crazy training camp scene--it's all Cowboys all the time. The Cowboys' jerseys and merchandise are one of the top sellers in the league. Jerry pushed for the Cowboys to be on the HBO series Hard Knocks, a show about NFL training camp, a staple. Teams WANT to be on it. Exposure means money. Jerry has shown fellow owners how to manage their brands. He has had a hand in the labor agreements between the league and players as well as the television contracts. Ratings for NFL games are at an all time high.

Because Jerry is so smart I find it hard to believe that the NFL and its players will fail to come to an agreement and risk a lockout and a stoppage of play for the 2011-2012 season. He will find a way to make both sides compromise. Make no mistake, he will not let the cash cow of the NFL fall backwards to the depths of the NHL.

The Whipping of the grocery store

So I journey out to the grocery this a.m.--the morning after the biggest snowfall (11 inches) in N. Texas since records kept. I knew what I was getting into but still, what a whipping it has become to go to the grocery.

Gone is the Grocery Store Code that I grew up with in the '70s. Similar to the code of the samurai or kung fu, it has eroded away the past two decades and has been replaced by what looks like a giant mound of fire ants--people running to and fro without courtesy and regard for others. Times have truly changed.

What was the Grocery Store Code? The following is my interpretation as it applied to both customers and employees AND what it has come to now.

1. You are there to shop
In the old days people actually went to the store to shop for food. Today both male and female alike frequently decide to park their carts in the middle of the aisle and yak loudly on the phone. Get out of the way! Those with bluetooths talk loud enough to be heard over the roar of a jet engine. Hey, the phone is next to your ear! Why are you talking so loud about nothing that is urgent AND weaving your freaking cart in the middle of the aisle.

My solution is try go shopping at the crack of dawn Sunday mornings to avoid the crowd and talkers. I am a speed shopper. I go with my list and coupons ready. I can make it in and out in 10 minutes. I get nasty looks when I impatiently weave in and out of the "slow shopper" but could care less. Hey, it's my NASCAR simulator.

2. Observe all posted signs
If the express lane says 20 items or less don't park your cart in line that has enough groceries to outfit the Brady Bunch. This goes to the employees too. If one of these people comes to your line say something! Tell them politely to go to another line! Instead what I see is the employee/zombie go ahead and take them, to the chagrin and ire of those of us behind them.

3. Leave your kids at home
Researchers say that bringing your kids causes you to buy more and give into their impulses, thus costing you more. My thought: screaming kids don't belong in a store. Most of us there don't need to hear your child (not just toddlers but teenagers) cry and scream that that are mad at not getting to get their candy or treats. Especially at the checkout line where it looks like an episode of the old Jerry Springer show with parent shouting at (or slapping) a child. I can tolerate a lot being an elementary teacher but come on--if I can hear your child screaming across the store it is getting ridiculous.

4. Have your money ready
Checks are pretty much gone and most people pay either cash or debit/credit card. It is such a whipping seeing people wait until they hear the total to get their wallet or purse out. Then they dig in their for a minute to find their card, swipe it, and then figure out the hieroglyphics of the keypad to get their cashback. Then they take another minute to put it back in their purse.

5. Mind your space
Nothing hacks me more than people invading my space. I am standing at the pedestal watching the cashier and then the person behind me will saddle right up to me. They need to wait their turn. Several times I've been tempted to say something like, "Do you mind?" Maybe next time I should make them uncomfortable by singing a rendition of the Love Boat theme.

6. Do your job
It whips me when I am waiting in a long line and a new cashier opens up and does not do the right and courteous thing--come to the line next to them and take the next person in line. Instead they just holler "I'm open!" and then those behind me, who have waited less, run over there. No common courtesy either on the party of the customers or the employees. I blame the stores and management. When I sacked groceries and later became a checker/cashier in my teens were were taught to do it the right way.

It is also amazing to see cashiers routinely walk away from their station with their light on to go and talk to their coworkers. You make eye contact, pause, and even go up to their station but they keep talking.

More and more I see the supervisors on the front end talking to their boyfriends or on their cellphones. Next time I should just do the old grocery standby, "Cleanup on aisle 4!"

So what does this all mean? Should I fall to my knees in the parking lot like Charlton Heston on the beach in The Planet of the Apes? Should I stand there in the bread aisle with tears streaming down my face and sob uncontrollably like when Spock died in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? Nah. But it does show how society has degraded and as Stephen King said "the world has moved on." Just accept it.

Man I miss paper bags too...

16 yrs of 1310 The Ticket

Sixteen years for Sportsradio 1310 The Ticket. Thanks to all at the station for making me laugh and talk the sport. It has become a welcome and comforting part of my life, much like that favorite shirt that has holes in it but you never want to get rid of.

Thanks to the Little Ticket I frequently bombard my 4th graders with drops, of which they have no clue of what they mean--though they frequently laugh. When I call on students I do the familiar "Let's go toooooooooooooooo (insert name) in Crazy Fort Worth (or some other place)." The kids get a kick out of it. They know that a Batphone, a phrase coined by the Great Mike Ryhner, is a cellphone. When I tell them to "mill about smartly" when they enter the classroom they know what that is. They know what "angst, flotsam, and jetsom" are thanks to Mike Rhyner. They laugh when I do, as Gordo once did, the fake Randy Galloway, "Alright, okay. Let's roll through some calls!"

Thanks to the Ticket making me laugh everyday as I take the long drive to and from work. I love my job as a teacher but let's face it, it is a made to order stress machine. What is an easier way to drive into work than to crack up listening to Fake Jerry and Fake Wade on the Dunham and Miller morning show with the Great Gordo (www.gordonkeith.com). I'm up every morning at 5:30 a.m. with those boys tuning in to hear the Dance Remix version of Rich Philllips (quack) doing the first Ticket Ticker.

Going home I look forward to the introduction of Corby with his dolphin laugh. I must admit when you joined The Hardline I saw you as abrasive, polarizing, and over the top but alas you have grown on me. I treasure hearing What is on Mike's Mind and E-News.

The Ticket has evolved--Greggo was missed at first but not anymore. The old Greggo was great but he left the show mentally long before he physically did. Rocco and Skip Bayless left (thank goodness), replaced by Norm and BAD radio. The show I miss the most during the school year is Norm as I am in class. Yes, he is a human drop machine and gets angry at callers but, he is THE best.

So Little Ticket, keep going strong. As the Chris Arnold once said, "I can't give you a B+ but I can give you an A-."

Why Jerry Jones should thank the media

Jerry thank the media? Yes, Jerry should thank the media--specifically the Dallas media (radio/print/TV) for their constant coverage of his Dallas Cowboys. The constant scrutiny by the media, fed by fans' high expectations, has pushed Jerry Jones to continue to tear down and rebuild his franchise to where it is today.

For today the Cowboys are poised on the edge of a possible Super Bowl. After handing the Philadelphia Eagles a crushing 34-14 defeat tonight there is no doubt who is the hottest team in the NFC. Jerry's team is where it is today because of the media, the fans, and yes, even Jerry himself.

Jerry wants to win. We, the fans may not have always agreed with all the decisions he has made through the years but we have to agree he will do whatever it takes to put a product out on the field. Jerry has his faults: loyalty to players that will make him overpay even after a player has reached his performance peak, inability to live with strong-willed coaches (Jimmy Johnson and Bill Barcells), and a stubbornness in which he thinks he is right all the time.

Since the firing of the great Tom Landry, the rise of the Cowboys to win three Super Bowls in the 1990s expecations have been high in Dallas. Getting to the playoffs and the Super Bowl are an expectation. The media has not let Jerry forget that. It has been 10 years since a Cowboys playoff victory. Fans are fed up with the fact that the luster on the Cowboys star has faded. Where are Troy Aikman, Emmitt, Smith, and Michael Irvin? Where is that next great quarterback to follow Staubach and Aikman?

The medias' questions kept the pressure and limelight on Jerry. Now make no mistake, Jerry needs the media. The Cowboys were recently rated as the most valuable sports franchise. Jerry loves the attention and limelight be it good or bad. Attention brings more fans and coverage. More coverage means sponsors have been eager to line up and pay Jerry. The Cowboys are a leader in merchandise revenue and with the new stadium (Death Star) are making a ton of revenue.

Jerry tonight looks like a genius by keeping Wade Phillips and not firing him after last years' disappointing 9-7 season. He ignored the media and kept him. He fired Brian Stewart, last year's defensive coordinator and proclaimed Wade as head coach and defensive coordinator. That move, in and of itself, had huge consequences. The Cowboys whipped the seemingly invincible New Orleans Saints on the road and finished the regular season with two consecutive shutouts. Tonight's playoff victory showed a dominant defense and potent offense.

Without the media one could argue Jerry would still have the will to win but he could have been content in just sitting back and making money. The soon to be impoded Texas Stadium was a huge moneymaker. The building of the new stadium--its size and location attracted huge attention. The constant coverage has garnered him an opportunity to gain more fans. People come from out of town just to visit and tour the stadium. They spend money in the pro shop and spread word of Jerry's World to friends and family back home. The media coverage has allowed Jerry to showcase the new stadium on national TV on both Sunday and Monday night. Now he is hosting college and NBA basketball games, a Super Bowl, Big 12 football championship, and even a rodeo.

In the coming days Jerry will hold many a press conference where he will be heralded as perhaps a football genius. The media will heap praise but by the end of the week they will again ask the question, "What next?" Minnesota looms next week and Jerry knows it. The more they win the more he and his Cowboys will bask in the spotlight.

Why the NFL makes me crazy...

Ok, it's playoff time and the next month or so will be filled with lots of action and for the most part, competitive games. So, why does the NFL make me crazy?

Simply put, they have a great thing going and I have a sinking feeling they are about to ruin it. For those who may not know the current Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) between the NFL owners and the NFL Players Association (NFLPA) will end at the conclusion of this season. The owners have chosen to opt out two years early. So the 2010 season could be the last one before the owners lock out the players the following year meaning no football in 2011.

Now I'm no student of the Ouija board, Tarot cards, or Viking ruins, but I can see the storm clouds brewing. Both sides want more money. Owners want their piece of the revenue pie, especially owners like Jerry Jones who have footed the bill for huge new stadiums. They need to pay off their debt. Players, on the other hand, want their piece of the pie. The average length of an NFL player's career is about 3 years. Their aim is to make the most money they can while they physically can.

So here we have two sides that are "negotiating" but are pretty firm in their positions. Are they really that stubborn to take this to the point of a lockout? Yes, I think they are. It's like the Cold War between the U.S. and U.S.S.R. in the 1950s and 1960s. We put missiles in Europe and the Soviets in Cuba. We deployed missiles on the land, sea, and air and the Soviets responded by building missiles that could carry more nuclear warheads. It makes me crazy because both the players and the owners are not looking at the big picture. Both want to make money. Why not compromise for the good of the league, themselves, and the fans.

What do I see when I look at the big picture? I see the NFL taking in more revenue than the NBA and NHL combined. Over six billion dollars a year. I can remember as a child being so made and fed up at both players and teams during the NFL lockout some 20 years ago. All I cared about was football.

I also see the common man during an economic recession and at war who cannot possibly have empathy for either side if there is no football. Both sides are making millions while many hard working Americans are scraping to get by in their everyday life.

Lockouts may not drive away loyal fans (haven't baseball fans returned after lockouts and strikes?) but when fans are not watching games, they are not watching TV ads. Sponsors will not be happy. Stadiums will sit empty and both players and owners will have to dip into their bank accounts. Bills will still have to be paid by all.

Fans might look elsewhere for their sports such as in the NBA or MLB but let's be honest--in this century there are other things to do. Fans have movies, music, video games, and other entertainment at their fingertips to keep them occupied. The NFL does not have as much leverage as they might think over the attention and the dollar that the fan holds. Movie revenues are up, video game consoles are more popular than ever, satellite TV and cable provide a vast array of entertainment options.

Where might the NFL fan seek out their need for blood and violence? There is the quickly growing arena of mixed martial arts, dominated by the UFC. There are the blockbuster movies like Transformers that come out during the summer. Boxing, though still a niche sport, does attract good revenue for high profile fights during pay-per-views.

What else makes me crazy? If there is a lockout and no football in 2011 I along with countless other millions of fans will be back. Yes, I'll be mad and ticked off at both sides but I'll still sit down each Sunday and Monday to view games. It's my way to decompress from the grind of work. It's America's home-grown sport. We own it, we made it, and yes, most of the world could care less about it.

So, owners and players, sit down, talk, compromise. Save all of us a lot of angst and agree. Agree to disagree but agree to play the game.